Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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