i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
