nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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