How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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