No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just cropdusted the office
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Randomize
