dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
