you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
tonight lets celebrate not being married
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
