Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
