Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Randomize
