What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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