I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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