I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
