just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
