the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Maybe he injected his testicle?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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