Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
