doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
