Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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