I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
