I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
