Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
