My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
