i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
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I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
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You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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