So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
