Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
