the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
