We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
