I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
