if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
