it was like his penis was on wheels.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
