were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i will never coherently bang her
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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