cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
