What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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