I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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