Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I will pee on everything he values.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
