sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
The ass gains better be worth it
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