Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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