Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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