every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
