we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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