Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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