As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
