...so i touched it.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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