if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
