so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
