3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
