u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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