Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
