I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Randomize
