I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
