Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
