Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
