U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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