She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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