I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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