Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
