Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I am never drinking with the goths again.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
