Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
